There were three country churches in a small town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But the Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter...
Forrest Gump goes to Heaven
There was a movie about this guy “Forrest Gump”, who was sort of plain and thought about things much differently than most folks do. The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
St. Peter said, “Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.” St. Peter continued, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
“First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
“Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
“Third: What is God’s first name?”
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest replied, “Well, the first one – which two days in the week begins with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one is easy... That would be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, “Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.”
“How about the next one?” asked St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”
“Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter said, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest replied, “Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...”
“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”
“Sure,” Forrest replied, “it’s Andy.”
“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song,
“ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: “Run, Forrest, Run.”
Lord, give me a sense of humor,
give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
to get some humor out of life,
and to pass it on to other folks.